


All Because of You

by Bates



Series: Otp fic-a-month challenge 2015 [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comforting, Disabled Sam, Human Gabriel, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Kitten, M/M, Medication, Pain, Sam and Gabriel living together, Writer Gabriel, knee injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5193755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel and Sam live in their little house and it is oddly... peaceful. Gabriel works, Sam does his best to stay productive before his pains make him incapable of work and together, they manage.<br/>When Gabriel heads out to Boston for his job, Sam's left on his own and just maybe, it was that that he needed to start thinking and realize that even though what they have is great, he wants more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Because of You

**Author's Note:**

> This 'verse really didn't want to let me go it seems. It's more of a timestamp to my previous fic, [Bit by Bit, Piece by Piece](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4858211) , than it is a full fletched fic, but this fit the October prompt pretty well, so here we go! It is recommended you read Bit by Bit, Piece by Piece if you want to fully understand what this fic is about, but I think you'll be able to understand it without. ( _I'm planning on explaining the title to the 'verse more in a next installment, but I'm not sure when that'll be out. I'm working on a little too many things at the moment to only focus on this story._ )  
> The theme that I used for this fic was _fear_. The title originates from the song _Now and Then_ by John Lennon.
> 
> When you read this fic that in quite a bit of it, Sam talks about fears that he has, about his relationship in regards to Gabriel, his ilness/injury, the pain that he is experiencing.  
> With this, I'd like to quickly add a warning. In this fic, there will be talk of chronic pain, medication, fear of loneliness, fear of messing up a friendship. Later on, there will also be talk about sexuality, mentions of previous relationships between Sam/Jess and Sam/Ruby.
> 
> I don't know why I seem unable to write pieces that are mainly fluff, but I tried my best for this one. A lot of angst at first, but things will take a turn for the better by the end, pinkie promise. No major angst however, it's mainly Sam doubting and hurting emotionally (and physically from his knee).

  _"atlas bears the world on his back, they say–_

_well i am not atlas._

 

 

_i cannot carry the world, my love_

_but i will do my best to carry you."_

**[— untitled, for a best friend || jph](http://stigmmata.tumblr.com/post/133019200231/atlas-bears-the-world-on-his-back-they-say) **

 

Sam Winchester was just staring up at the ceiling. He didn't know how long he'd been lying there by now, but knew that it had been a while. After getting up and getting breakfast ready for both Grace and him, he'd taken a nap and resort to the couch because he'd felt the nagging pain get worse. Through what he could see from the sky outside, the sun was already starting to set.

It may be pathetic of him, but the couch was the most comfortable thing that he could ever lay on. It had to battle for the first place with his bed, but it was still one of the favorites. He had his thermos of coffee and warm blanket. All he could want now was to be in his bed. It was a queen size that should really be too big for one person, but he needed the room to stretch his legs out. If only the pain would go away, so he could finally take a nap.

Not that the nap would help, or would last long, with the kitten meowing at the ground. Even without looking, he knew that she would be standing with her two paws against the couch. Grace knew damn well how to get on the couch without his help, but she still seemed to prefer it when they lifted her up. It was something that he far from minded, but he really couldn't. Not moving had a fire raging around in his knee, moving to pick her up would only make it worse.

To be honest, Sam loved Gabriel's kitten - it was their kitten really, but Gabriel had brought her with one day. She wasn't quite as used to him as she was to Gabriel, hadn't formed the same bond with him. Grace was a sensitive little thing, picked switches in mood and events up as if she'd been born for that exact cause. Knowing that Sam had become a more visual sufferer in the past few months, that somewhere along being in pain all the time something of his facade broke.

The breaking of that facade was what had the little furry thing scurrying to help him when she could. No matter how young she still was, she always wanted to comfort him, always wanted to curl up with whoever was in pain and rub her little face against skin. Some days, all she'd do was purr gently and curl up against the person who was in pain. It was that that Sam loved most, being able to feel the vibrations all through him. It was what comforted him the fastest.

"I'm sorry sweetheart," he said, hanging his arm off the couch to see if he could find her. "You're going to have to jump up yourself."

 

 

It had been about six weeks since Gabriel had popped up out of nowhere and taken the lead. Six weeks since the house had last looked as if World War three had started, six weeks since Sam had last had a breakdown the way he'd had before, when only Dean would pop in to check up on him twice a week. Having Gabriel around was a relieve, to Sam but possibly also to Dean and Castiel. For Sam, he brought some energy in the house that it hadn't seemed to posses before; his laughter filled the previous hollow rooms, his company filled the emptiness, even if it was just a little bit. For Dean and Cas, it was a reassurance that if things went wrong, there would be a person near him and with him. They knew that someone was taking care of him.

If anything, Gabriel offered a certain stability on bad days. A bad day often meant that he couldn’t walk, couldn’t get out of bed or even off the couch. Sam had always been dependent on closing his eyes and praying for the pain to subside or just waiting around until it eventually would. When it did, he could fall asleep for long enough that he didn’t feel it anymore. Sometimes, when it was too persistent, he'd have to get to the medicine cabinet - wherever he'd left them the previous time - and rely on the pills to take the edge off enough for him to sleep the days away.

He had Gabriel to help him with that now, to bring him water and pills, help him up, support him, sometimes even comfort him. That first week of Gabriel being there, there had been so many days in which Sam was biting back the tears when lying in bed. It had been pre-Grace, before Gabe'd come home with the little sweetheart, before he had her to comfort him. It had been Gabe who massaged his back and knee, who comforted him.

Sam still wasn't one hundred percent used to him being there again after he'd left. Even after six weeks, it sometimes startled him that there was someone that cared. Gabriel had been gone for such a long time. After spending a lot of time together in the bunker, his departure had been a complete shift for him, unsettled him. Having him back again was foreign and made Sam constantly await the moment that he'd have enough of him and leave again. Head for France or Italy, for England; anywhere that was far away from him.

His travels had done Gabriel good however. As an angel, he’d been wise, powerful. Sam had been afraid of him for quite a big part, even when he'd been nothing more than an unconscious body that he had to wash while he healed. What he had going for him now was different. This wisdom was more the ‘I have seen things and tasted other cultures. I’m human’ kind. It suited him, even if it hurt. It was painstakingly obvious how human he was now.

 

 

Part of him wished that Gabriel was there now, to help him through and talk to him, distract him. Sure, he had Grace - who had by now managed to climb up using the fabric of his shirt and was purring against him - but he still missed him. Missed the warm body and comfort that he provided. Gabriel had stood on his principles however. He refused to live off of Sam's nonexistent money and credit card shams. He wouldn't be that guy, he'd get a job and work for it.

It had gotten him into writing, which was great really. Great because Gabriel seemed to love it. He'd picked up writing in general when he'd been traveling, had started imaging characters that previously hadn't existed walking the same grounds that he was. Some of these stories, he'd actually send Sam, with a note telling him to read them. He was a great writer, even though he was still figuring out a lot of stuff.

Sam loved seeing the smile stretch over his lips as he talked about the novel that he was working for, besides all the articles he was writing. It was clear that Gabriel loved doing it, that it made him happy. Partially, seeing him happy made Sam happy as well. He couldn't quite explain what it was, but it did make his day a little bit better.

One of the advantages was that should something happen, he could work from home. Sam had been pretty bad for a pretty long time, even before Gabriel arrived. His days without pain grew fewer and the days he was in pain grew more frequent. Even the doctors couldn't find what was pressing on his nerves or what had been thorn up inside of his knee that caused the fire that sometimes roared through his skin. After Gabriel arrived, the pain free days got rarer, so getting a job that allowed him to go home or work from home was sort of a must.

It wasn't like Sam had asked him to do that, but he'd done so anyway. It made something in his chest warm up with fondness. This was Gabriel, trying to make sure that he was okay and he'd be able to help. It was sweet and kind, unexpected in a way.

 

His job allowed him to work from home most of the time, but that didn't mean that he was always able to do that. Sometimes he'd have to go out for articles, to interview people and take photographs. It was part of the job and Sam didn't mind, didn't mind at all in fact. It was just that he was gone now, and Sam needed him. Grace did her best and she was such a sweetheart, but he needed more comfort to keep the tears out of his eyes.

Gabriel was god knows where. This trip would only last four days and half had already passed, so it wasn’t that bad. He just had to hang in there for two more days and they’d be picking Gabriel up from the airport. If he was better by that point, that was. Sam had pressed Gabriel on going. He’d told him to ‘ _just go will you? I’ve been fine for a long time, four days on my own aren’t going to kill me. You don’t have to be my mother Gabriel_ ’. Gabriel had snapped at him for it, that he would worry if he damn well pleased.

Of course, their little fight had come back to bite him in the ass. There was no alternative to it. There was always something going wrong and today. But he’d be fine, he really would be. In just a few hours, the pain would hopefully subside and he’d be able to walk around again or _move_ without being in too much pain. He’d be finally free from the sixth circle of hell. With some luck, he’d even be able to get the pills, go to his room and let Grace curl up with him, sleep.

Sleep would help. It really would.

 

Eventually, his crutches carried him to the bathroom around five am. Gabriel had moved all the pills to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom the second or third day after arriving at the house, when they’d still been dancing around each other like their previous encounters had been scripted and this was an improvising session.

He’d been adamant about keeping them in one place, unlike what Sam had been doing before.  Keeping them in one place allowed them to keep a better inventory. This way, they knew when they should go to the doctors to get a new prescription or how much Sam was taking. It was that that put Sam off a bit. Gabriel was on top of everything, knew the minute that he’d taken too much meds in a too sort time.

The advantages were that they knew where specific meds where, when they needed refills. Gabriel had sort of taken on the role of his nurse. His nurse who helped him to bed and sometimes – to his great embarrassment – helped him step in the bath when he felt like he could barely stand. He remembered the first time and how incredibly uncomfortable it had been, with Gabriel supporting him and helping him sit down. It had been more than mortifying.

If he was honest, it was all starting to terrify Sam more than it should. He shouldn’t be afraid of running out of medication yet, he shouldn’t be afraid of having no options. There were still the angels, there were so many alternative options. But the doctor had said what he said, he’d said that they were slowly starting to run out of options.

The meds they’d given him now were the second to last one they could try. If these stopped working like all the others, he’d be screwed. They’d have to go to angels and see what they could do, how they could possibly help him.

It shouldn’t scare him, but it did, it scared the crap out of him. Especially on days like these, when he could barely get off the couch to go to the bathroom and take his pills. Especially on days like these when he realized that if a monster broke down the door or entered, he’d be dead. All Sam could do was perhaps attempt defending himself, but he too knew that he would fail miserably. A gun won’t do anything for a lot of the creatures that they had faced in the past years.

Sam was scared of a lot more things than he perhaps realized. He was scared of getting older. Even though Dean was the eldest, it almost felt like he was. Dean was still up and running, he was still fighting. Sure, he needed more recuperation now but with an angel by his side, he was safe. Dean could still do a lot of things, get drunk and eat and do everything without gaining a ton of weight, without having to take pills for a lot of things that should be starting to go wrong in his body.

Sam was like a grandpa compared to him. He had pills to take, was gaining weight both because of not moving as much and the medication. If he didn’t go to sleep by a specific hour now, he wouldn’t be on his schedule and things would go wrong the entire day. He had pains and aches. His knee practically told him when things were going to change in his body because it would hurt more under specific circumstances.

Most of all…he felt lonely, was afraid of dying alone. Gabriel was there with him and maybe, one day things could go past their awkward friendship, but if things didn’t change, Sam was going to die alone. He’d have no one, no spouse to leave things for, nobody that would remember him with fondness that wasn’t caused by blood.

Sure, Gabriel would remember him and now that he was human would one day die as well. It in fact was one of those thoughts that he pushed to the back of his mind as much as possible, because it would only add more guilt to his already stuffed mind. Gabriel would have some fond memories of waking him up in the morning and birthdays.

Sam could see how it could be between them and it was nice. So much like what they had going for them right now, but different.

  
Some days, he craved that. Craved having a partner to wake up next to and lips to kiss. Someone to bring to the frays of their consciousness with ecstasy, someone to please. Somebody to want to please. He’d figured out long ago that it was that that he craved most out of physical relationships. Not the release that it brought him but seeing the other person unravel, seeing the other person come undone under his fingertips.

He himself wasn’t completely selfless. Sometimes, like a lot of the men out there, he too would want sex, would have dreams. He’d had them when he was just an awkward teenager growing up – they’d made him feel more embarrassed than turned on – and later sporadically. When he was with Jess, it had been Jess that was the subject of his dreams, as a teenager a body without a clear face to it and with Ruby, it had been her.

Now? He didn’t know what it  was. The dreams were rare, but they were there. He was so close to finding out who the man was, but he never got there, never dreamt long enough to realize. Some nights, he did and who it terrified him.

Terrified him because he could fuck everything up if he acted on it, if accidentally he’d slip up during the night. Sam was known to talk in his sleep. In all likelihood, those dreams weren’t an exception. If he ever whispered those syllables, he could fuck everything up and he’d be alone again.

 

Grace trailed him to his room, following his every move. Sam didn’t know if he should feel honored that she’d taken such a liking to him and wanted to care or be insulted that she didn’t think he could make it to his bed without kitten supervision. She jumped on the bed when he sat down, waited patiently as he attempted to take off his jeans and eventually crawled in bed in his boxers, too tired to fetch a pair of sweatpants.

She curled up on his chest, paws right where his heart was, where Gabriel would rest his hand and turn soothing circles whenever he had a bad day. It was what she did when she slept with Gabriel too. Maybe she missed him too, maybe she was looking for pieces of Gabriel in him, in Sam.

“You miss him, don’t you?” he asked her, petting her gently. “I know. Don’t tell him, but I miss him too. You’d be surprised just how quickly you get used to someone being around.” She purred gently, vibrations echoing in his bones. “Don’t worry little one. You’re pretty much our child – I’m used to you too. I’d miss you too should he take you with him.”

 

 

 Sam didn’t know if he ever actually fell asleep or if he just drifted. He rarely knew that these days. Sometimes, he dreamt and he’d _know_ but other times, it felt as if he’d just been awake the entire night. The meds numbed him, almost made him oblivious to time passing. He listened to the radio in the background, volume turned low enough that it would be nothing but a blur.

He stayed in bed until the pain subsided and stayed gone. Grace went her merry way eventually, but checked up on him during the night like Gabriel did when he was home and Sam was in pain. Every hour or so, she drifted in through the door and would jump up on the bed, lay down next to him. After a while, she disappeared again, but it was sweet non the less. So oddly reminiscent of how Gabriel would come in and see if he needed anything, brush the hair back.

When Dean came by, he pretended to be asleep. He was sure that Dean knew that he wasn’t actually sleeping – sharing motel rooms for years would do that to you – but he always allowde him to pretend. His brother never showed that he knew, even if had the right to do so. It was almost childish of him to do that.

Instead, Sam listened to the ticking of the clock and the sounds as Dean fed Grace and – if Sam’s judgement was correct – cleaned up a little bit downstairs. It was probably needed, Sam had to give him that. Sam hadn’t exactly made a mess, but there were cups littering the coffee table and he was sure that there were somethings that Grace accidentally knocked over or played with to be put away.

Just two more days and he wouldn’t be alone again. He’d have some noise in the house. It had only been two days but he already missed the noise and energy in the house. It just felt empty with only him there. He didn’t know how he’d lived alone in the house, he honestly didn’t.

The pain went away that afternoon and didn’t come back. Almost as if they decided that he’d had enough pain for a little while. If anything, he was grateful for the almost complete lack of anything in his knee. He could at least pretend that he could keep a clean house without having Dean clean the entire thing for him or well, that he could make himself some food.

Sam took a bath, his daily pills and called his probably only friend and physical therapist. Whenever he had good days, he never quite knew what to do first. They were so spread apart that there were always calls to be made and things to check out and report on. He should probably get some food in him first, before taking the pills but he didn’t really want to be cooking. Maybe later.

A lot of the time, his physical therapy appointments were shoved aside and he had to reschedule. Like this time around. He _wanted_ to go, but without both transportation and the ability to even walk, he really couldn’t. Sarah and he still had monthly appointments, even if they weren’t covered by their insurance anymore. Sarah Blake was an old friend of his, a girl he’d almost dated too many years ago.

Both of them had changed a lot ever since they’d last talked so when he was assigned her as a therapist, he’d been afraid. That spark could have still been there. Except it wasn’t, it had flickered out. They were still great friends however and she had offered to help him out every once in a while, when he needed it. Once in a while had become once every two weeks and later once a month.

She told him to come by when Gabriel was back on Monday, so that she could show him some stretches that would help ease the pain a little bit more. He was hesitant to talk about his current situation with her, but he’d mentioned Gabriel before. He didn’t quite know what she thought they were, but he didn’t care either.

“I don’t know, Sarah,” he sighed, “he’s busy – he’s only coming back from Boston on Saturday and he has to be at the airport at three am, so I don’t know if that’ll be possible.” Partially, he just didn’t want Gabriel to come with. Therapy sessions taught him a lot and had helped strengthen his body, but they reduced him to tears each time. “He’ll be exhausted – he’s working the next days as well so I don’t know how good an idea it is.”

“Sam, it’s important that he comes.” She was clearly fed up with him keeping Gabriel away. Maybe she knew or at least suspected how he was feeling. Sam couldn’t have been the only one of her patients that felt ashamed about being so vulnerable when they were with her. “I’m sure he won’t mind. I’ve got a spot around eight pm, so he won’t even have to get up early. Can I pencil you in?”

“Sure Sarah, do it. I’ll have to ask, but do it.” He rubbed his hand across his face. Maybe he shouldn’t.

“You ask Gabriel, but I’ll put you down,” she said. “I’ll see you then. Should he want another moment, I can open up some room on Thursday and Saturday as well.”

“I’ll tell him, but I think we won’t mind eight. I’ll see you then, Sarah.”

 

 

 

The next two days were spend in relative calm. Sam had good days and actually felt good enough to go pick up Gabriel at the airport and drive. He still used his crutches instead of his cane – something that Sarah had recommended him doing just to give his knee a little bit more time to recover more – and after a while driving did hurt a lot, but it was worth it.

He almost felt like a kid on the day before Christmas, all giddy and happy. Partially nervous, he had to admit that. Gabriel wasn’t expecting Sam to be there. After the difficulties he’d had with driving before, they had decided that it would be best if Dean drove and picked him up. Gabriel and he could catch up at home.

He had a good day however, ever since that bad day, he’d been good. Having a good day meant that he could get in the car and drive his best friend back home. Dean had still insisted on going with him, just to be safe. It wouldn’t have been safe if he hadn’t.

Partially, Sam knew that it was just a illusion, that it just felt like a good day because the pain had been so bad. He had it under control now, so it was a good day. It was messed up that that was his definition of good now. Mild pain and nagging wasn’t supposed to be a good day. Sam was a hunter. Hunters learned to accept a lot of things that were in fact completely wrong as the truth, as the right thing to do. Ignoring pain and keeping it under control with a light dosage of pain wasn’t the worst of all the things that being aa hunter had changed for him.

Sam had changed a lot since he’d gotten out the hunter community, including that way of living. By now, he’d grab to the pill bottle faster than before and took more care of his own body, but there still was some of that hunter mentality there.

 

The entrance hall was freezing cold. They were a little early so all they could do was sit there. Castiel had abandoned them all in search for a Starbucks to get them all – Gabriel included – a take away cup of anything that was warm and comforting. By the time that he returned, they announced that the passengers of Gabe’s plane were due to get out anytime soon and Sam was too nervous to take another sip.

He eventually came into sight in the enormous mess of people and family members. He was lugging his suitcase behind him and was listening to music through his headphones, the last remnants of attempting to stay awake on the plane. When their eyes met, a huge smile stretched over Gabriel’s lips and Sam couldn’t help but answer with a grin himself.

God behold, he actually got a hug when Gabriel – cranky and tired – arrived where they were waiting for him, a little bit away from the busy crowd. Gabriel had a soft grin on his lips as he folded his arms around him and rested his head against his body.

Cas exchanged a meaningful glance with his brother and Sam kind of wanted to ask what the hell that was about, but there was Gabriel tired and cranky, but happy to see him. As he dropped his bag on the floor and wrapped his arms around Sam, he couldn’t help but realize that he had missed him too. A lot.

“Hey there,” he said, “welcome back Gabe.”

“Please for future reference, tell me not to go on things like this,” Gabriel half groaned, half sighed against his rib cage. “I was worrying sick half of the time.”

“Maybe you should just drag me along,” he offered, ignoring the odd looks that some people threw them. “That way I’ll actually see some America that isn’t from the Impala’s passenger seat.” His brother threw him a dirty look. “And if it counts for anything – I missed you too.”

“I never said I missed you sasquatch. How have you been? No bad days?”

“Okay,” he admitted. “One rough day, but Grace kept me company. She did the purring thing again.” He loved the purring thing, loved feeling the vibrations against his skin. “It’s really comforting if you ask me.” It wasn’t as comforting as Gabriel turning circles in his skin and sometimes gently massaging his knee and leg to get the cramps and pain out. 

“She’s got her little paw wrapped all around your finger and you know it,” Gabriel said with a smile before looking up at him and nodding. “It’s good to see you again Sammy.”

That was the moment that Dean decided to clear his throat and look at them with a judging stare. Castiel just smiled, before passing Gabriel his coffee and taking the bag from him. 

“Come on Sammy, let’s go back home.” And if the word ‘home’ being used warmed something deep inside Sam, he chose to ignore it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find this fic on Tumblr over at [Tumblr](http://buriedsam.tumblr.com/post/133122362416/all-because-of-you-a-graveyard-of)


End file.
